If I were to use two words or less to critique Michael Bay’s sequel “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen they would be Megan Fox.
That’s it. Nothing to see after that folks, move along. Move along.
Sarcasm aside there really isn’t much beyond Megan Fox worth watching in this action-comedy extravaganza.
In the first few minutes, the audience is introduced to Megan Fox via her derriere, mounting a motorcycle.
Hot babes and fast vehicles – who is the target audience in this film?
But is it a film?
Across many levels, this Steven Spielberg executive-produced motion picture is many films rolled into one.
There are hints of previous Spielberg films here. In the first few minutes we see the Gremlins transformed into modern 21st century bad guys Decepticon. In the final few scenes of the film, there are themes which remind us of the dire last installment of “Indiana Jones.
Spielberg apparently also borrows elements from “Terminator, “Species, and even from cult sci-fi television shows like “Stargate when he approaches the theme of replicators assembling into a deadly robot.
Even that infamous moment from the “Titanic when the super luxury liner is breaking apart is copied here.
But perhaps the most astonishing “film-within-film aspect is that this action sci-fi flick is both a comedy and a vehicle for military recruitment.
As for the story, it’s really a no-brainer: the Decepticons, led by an ancient robot referred to as the Fallen, and the Autobots (the good robots from outer space led by Optimus Prime) are in a race to find the Sun Harvester, an ancient energy device hidden somewhere on earth which could power their now lifeless planet Cybertron by destroying our sun and all life on earth.
Sam Witwicky (Shia Labeouf) unwittingly finds a piece of technology from Cybertron which imprints in his mind a secret code to the location of the Sun Harvester. The Autobots battle with the Decepticons to prevent them from capturing – and killing – Sam who only wants to go to college and have webcam sex with his girlfriend (Fox).
I was absolutely “fallen on the aisles rolling in my own drool because my mouth was wide open as I laughed hysterically when Bay and Spielberg decided to put the Giza Pyramids – shot in the actual Pyramids site – only “five clicks west of the Gulf [of Aqaba].
Yes, we know American students are notoriously poor in geography – perhaps, one of them wrote the script for this movie – but wait, it only gets better.
The Pyramids are bordered by a large body of water across which US Marines make an amphibious landing. Are you laughing yet?
Hang on – according to Bay, the Pyramids and the historic site of Petra are separated by a long winding road which is crossed in a few minutes if you are driving a yellow Camaro. Er … except someone forgot to tell Bay that Petra is in Jordan.
To counter the threat of the “Fallen the US military deploys its air force, amphibious units, infantry, mechanized divisions, submarines, aircraft carriers, and navy destroyers all manned by extremely fit servicemen wearing very cool sunglasses.
I can’t think of a better recruitment reel for the armed forces – this film shows the US military snatching victory from the jaws of defeat without shedding a drop of sweat.
Speaking of cosmetics, I think someone needs to investigate Fox’s lips. Although they are as sultry as Angelina’s, she seems to have stumbled on a secret long- lost in the deserts of Ancient Egypt: her lips remain fresh, moist and brilliantly glossed throughout the film.
For “Transformers 3, can I suggest a working title of “Secrets of the Gel ? Labeouf can travel to the heart of the Gobi Desert to uncover the cipher behind the fluid used to keep his hair so uniform throughout the film.
This farce fails on many levels – the action is superfluous, the comedy is flaccid and in need of creative Viagra, the plot is full of more holes than fine Dutch cheese and the script is steeped in absurdity.
The only thing Transformers has going for it?